With all this talk of forgiveness, I seem to have left one incredibly important, in my opinion, aspect of forgiveness out of the equation. This is, as the title of this entry implies, forgiveness of the self. What exactly do I mean by forgiveness of the self? Well, that is indeed what the point of this entry is. To explain some of my thought processes, personal definitions, and other wonky stuff that goes on in my silly twenty-year-old brain. So, without further rambling, here is my definition of "Forgiveness of the Self".
In my personal experience and observations, people spend a lot of time trying to get others to forgive them for something they have done. I have experienced this personally. I remember a specific point in time where I could almost not bear the thought of my ex-girlfriend not forgiving me for something I had done to her. Looking back on it now, it was a minor and trivial thing, but at the time, it was truly larger than an elephant sitting on my head (not literally of course, but I digress). I tried and tried to get my previous lover to forgive me, but to no avail. I raked my brain, thought of every possible thing I could do, pulled some hair out, even wrote a letter. However, one cannot truly control another person. It just does not work. For all my writing, raking, and hair pulling ,there was nothing I could do to get this person to forgive me. And I was at a loss. I had no idea what to do. However, there was something that I had not even considered at the time, that I now know is a good habit and life skill to have. This is forgiveness of the self.
Had I known at the time that I could not get my ex-girlfriend to forgive me, I probably would have stopped trying (continued "trying" tends to make another person pull away further) a lot sooner. Instead of continued pushing for my ex's forgiveness, I should have done something a lot simpler, which was to forgive myself. This may cause some confusion, so I will elaborate. What I mean by this is simple; I just needed to give myself a break. I needed to stop looking for ways to get my ex to forgive me, looking for redemption, looking to pick up those broken pieces, just stop. I needed realize that there was nothing I could do, realize that it was not my fault, and truly, truly realize that I could forgive myself and move on. Forgive myself for trying so hard, forgive myself for acting like a wailing baby, forgive myself for tearing my hair out (ouch), and truly, truly give myself a break.
In the end, one cannot truly control another person, and if that person does not feel in a particularly forgiving mood, there is nothing to be done, truly. Nothing to be done except to forgive yourself. I am not fond of telling people what to do, as it annoys me when people try to command me, but here is a suggestion that tends to work for me. Let the situation hurt you. Feel the pain. It well lessen in time. Here is the key part, the lessening pain is okay. This means that you are healing. Try to forgive yourself, rise out of the ashes, and move forward. Perhaps the future will hold better things for you. Speaking from personal experience, it can and does hold better things for you. However, it still holds some..."not so better" things for you, so to speak. But past lessons learned can be applied. Let it hurt. Forgive yourself. Rise from the ashes. Move forward.
