Love: The Ultimate Waste

Love. What is it, really? The word gets thrown around so much nowadays that it can be difficult to pinpoint what the word even means. Some use it as an engagement, as a next step in a relationship. Saying "I love you" is a major stepping stone to them. Others use it as frequently as they draw breath, which, unless they are undead and do not need oxygen, is quite frequently. Bye! Love ya! Love you! Love love love! Omg ily bae!
...
So what does this actually mean? What is the purpose of proclaiming love for someone, whether it be significant to the individuals proclaiming it or not? My opinion?

Love is the Moby Dick of mankind. 

But that brings us back to the question, what is love? Well, that question has been asked since the beginning of time. Well, not literally of course, but it has been asked. A damn lot. The romanticized idea of love is most likely what most people consider love to be.

What I mean by "Romanticized Love" is quite simple. It is the feeling one gets when they see their crush doing something and get that 'butterfly' feeling in the gut. While this feeling implants happiness in tummies and giddy little chaps go apeshit at the idea of their future wedding to their crush, this feeling doesn't actually do anything. Congratulations. You got temporary enjoyment from seeing the face of someone that most likely does not remotely reciprocate your feelings. Well...I guess that could be considered something. However, there is a reason it is called a crush. They tend to end with one person, or both people, getting their emotions shattered.

But what does crushes and ouchy bouchy shattering of emotional states have to do with a white whale? Well, consider the story of Moby Dick. Captain Ahab spends his entire life chasing after the whale, the whale he could never catch. It became an obsession for him, an all consuming desire, a desire that ultimately led to his demise.

Sound like anything?

Now, there are people that have found love. This is true. However, they do not stay in love. They fall in and out of it and stay together via hard work, something that is quite clearly lost in many aspects of today's society. I have seen too many young men and women expecting relationships to be like something out of a romantic comedy, where all conflicts are resolved in a couple hours and the couple falls in love forever and lives happily ever after.

Guess what? It doesn't work like that. At all. In the slightest.

Being in a lasting relationship requires metric fucktons of work. Both partners need to work (it is called work because it is not fun) at keeping each other and themselves happy. Compromises must be made, and in some cases are even the norm. A true compromise means both (yes, both parties) must come to agreement. Compromises often mean that neither party is happy, but they do it because it is the best for everyone. Guess what? A healthy relationship is not a giant power struggle in which the man or woman holds the stick of infinite domination power over the other. Man and woman are used here as place holders, this applies to all types of couples as well. Man/man, woman/woman/ wombat/t-rex, whatever. Domination sticks are bad news.

Rampant narcissism does not love make. Thinking only of oneself in a relationship is even more pointless than trying to make water more wet. It's ridiculous, foolish, and a waste of time. And, frankly, if one only thinks of themselves, why are they even in a relationship? Possibly seeking self-gratification from the compliments of others? But I digress.

Mankind will always chase love, and it will always elude our grasp. Some find it, but they never keep it, as it changes within their grasp. Their first love is not the love they end up with, and the truly smart people adapt and accept their new love. The narcissist complains that their new partner is not satisfying them, dumps them on a corner somewhere, and moves on with their feeble life.

Like a Phoenix From the Ashes

Image found walls4joy.com

        Behold, the phoenix. Majestic, beautiful, fiery, and capable. While fictional in nature, it is hard to deny the beauty of such a creature. But just because something is fictional, does it mean it cannot teach us a lesson or two? No. I believe that the phoenix teaches us very valuable lessons, regardless of its fictional nature.
     To understand the nature of the phoenix, one has to understand the nature of death. Cold, unforgiving, final. These are all words that could be used to describe death. But how does death relate to a phoenix, and why must one understand the nature of death to understand a phoenix?
     Like all living things, a phoenix must die. While this is not necessarily the case for many fictional beasts, this is indeed true for the phoenix. Whether the bird is killed by natural means or otherwise, the phoenix does indeed expire. The phoenix's death, however, is where the biggest lesson of all lies.
     This is where understanding of the phoenix and of death comes in. When a phoenix dies, its fiery body turns to ashes. Cold, final, unforgiving ashes. But, when enough time has passed, the phoenix is reborn. Not reborn in a traditional sense, such as hatching from an egg, no, a rebirth unique to only the phoenix. Out of the ashes a new being is born.
    Bursting from the ashes of the grave in a fiery swirl, a new phoenix emerges. This new being, this new phoenix, can in some cases be an improvement from the original, emerging from its deathbed as a more majestic and more beautiful creature. It is still a phoenix and unapologetically so. It emerges from the ashes an improvement of its previous self, it emerges as a better being.
     Death is final. The original phoenix has died. However, in its death, this phoenix has birthed a new phoenix, one potentially better than the original. We could learn many lessons from the death and life cycle of the phoenix.
     Humans go through periods of death. I believe the phrase "I feel like something died inside me" could be a literal thing. It could be literal in the case of an organ dying and ceasing to function, but this is not what I mean. I mean emotional death. There is a certain quality of a human being that cannot be described; this quality can be called the mind, the soul, or any other term one chooses to use.
    For the sake of ease, this explainable part of the human being will be referred to as "the self." There are parts of the self that can die. Remember, death is cold, unforgiving, and final. These adjectives do not apply strictly to death in the physical form, such as the phoenix expiring and turning to ashes. No, this could apply to emotions or feelings as well. Consider this example.
     A dog has died. This dog was a member of the family to his owner, a young boy. The young boy mourns the loss of his dog and is changed forever. He cannot truly accept that his dog is gone and waits for him every day, and even goes so far as to wait for the dog at its grave. The dog never shows up. Its death is final. The emotional happiness and connection that dog had given the boy has died along with the dog. It is gone forever. The boy will never be happy the exact same way as he was with that dog again. But that does not mean this feeling has to be final, like death.
    For death in cases of the self, human beings possess the quality of the phoenix. A new emotional fulfillment and happiness can be born from the death of the boy's dog. This is not to say that the boy does not have to accept the death of his dog. His dog is not a phoenix. It remains dead physically. However, the boy can cause the dog to be reborn in a different sense.
    I speak not of things such as calling a taxidermist and stuffing the dog. That creates an unhealthy limbo between life and death, where the boy would perhaps never truly accept the loss of his dog. No, rising from the ashes like a phoenix is a different thing entirely.
     The boy could use the memories of his dog to create a base for future happiness, perhaps with a future pet. The ashes in himself, the ashes of his dog's death, could be the birth of a new, potentially better emotional fulfillment. This is not to say that the boy would forget his deceased dog. No. His deceased dog would live on in the boy's memories, in his deepest emotional self, and the boy would use these memories.
      He could draw from all the happy experiences he had with his first dog to create a new, maybe even better, set of memories for years to come. Should he eventually get a new pet, the old memories could mingle would the new memories he is creating with his new dog, creating an emotional "phoenix." His old and new dog, while entirely different beings, both give the boy a sense of emotional fulfillment of the self. The combination of these memories forms the emotional phoenix.
   The boy and his dog is merely an example. Rising from the ashes like a phoenix could be applied to many situations. Consider the death of a loved human, the loss of a relationship, the feelings of depressing, etc...The possibilities are almost endless. We can accept emotional death of the self as final and leave it there. Or, we can be like a phoenix.

We can accept loss and death. Or we can be like a Phoenix From the Ashes.

Moving on From Past Hurts

 

"Broken Heart" by Mela1994 

         As is part of my theme for this particular blog, today I will talk about moving on from past hurts and how forgiveness can tie into that specifically. Past hurts could be something such as a death in the family, the loss of a friend, the loss of a relationship, or the loss of anything, really. Whatever the loss may be, loss, in general, hurts. Every loss hurts every individual differently and at greater or lesser levels. A small child, for example, may be greatly hurt about losing their favorite toy. A grown adult might be less saddened by losing such a toy...but maybe not. I have known some adults to get...slightly upset over seemingly silly things to me. However, that "silly thing" was not silly to the person getting upset. It annoyed, angered, or hurt them. As time goes on, this hurt will become a past hurt. While in the past, these specific wounds tend to fester and re-open if not dealt with, in a manner of speaking. If not dealt with or tended, past wounds can hurt in the present. This is where forgiveness comes in.

Credit to http://hrvblog.blogspot.com/2011/10/10-mending-broken-heart-with-heart-rate.html

      Past hurts can indeed stop hurting. Broken hearts can truly mend. Both of these take time. Time, love, understanding, and forgiveness, no small amount of forgiveness. One must accept that they hurt. Truly, truly accept that they hurt. Hurting is not a bad thing. It means that the hurting person is human. They are human;they are the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the human. Recognizing hurts is part of life. Just by recognizing and accepting hurts, present or past, one can land on he road to mending. By accepting the fact that hurting exists, a person can truly look at themseles in a deep, meaningful way. Once a person looks at themselves, it can be easier to forgive any hurts that have been done to them, by another person or otherwise. Now shifting to a more personal perspective for the sake of effect, I will get to the heart of the matter. Accept the hurt. Forgive others. and, most importantly, forgive yourself.                                                                              

Loving Another, Respecting Yourself, and Forgiveness

Image found www.glogster.com 

Forgive the lack of a proper introduction for this post, as I want to get directly to the point. Instead of an introduction, enjoy this made-up and funny word. Boppabooie. Now, to the actual point of this post. In my recent blogs I have talked about forgiving yourself in relation to failed relationships, whether they be romantic or otherwise. I stated that it is not always possible to get a person to forgive you, and this remains true. However, something recently came up in my life that presented a similar situation that I had previously, and I learned something new in said experience. While it is of utmost importance to forgive yourself, it is also important to respect respect yourself.
 

Image found www.vamers.com

 What I mean by this is simple. I don't mean for one to go around and say "Ermagerd look at how awesome I am. I respect myself and my rippling muscles and hot bod. Look at me. I am important." This is the opposite of respecting oneself. This is actually disrespecting oneself. This is so because, by saying how important you are, your importance is automatically diminished in the eyes of others. I don't know about you, but when someone acts all "high and mighty", so to speak, I immediately diminish them in my mind. It is almost reflexive. Generally, and this is a random thought, people that are too outwardly "respectful" of themselves really do not respect themselves at all and need constant confirmation from others that they are indeed an important individual.
    This is exactly my point. One should not need approval from others to know that they are important. This is not to say that approval from others is not nice, but it is not needed. You need to respect yourself and seek approval from yourself. Consider this. In the terribly worded and stereo-typical example above, I used a "meathead over confident body builder" as an example of poor self respect. If this body builder was getting muscle to be noticed and approved by others, he is, in my opinion, not respecting himself at all. He could instead get muscle and get more fit to better improve himself for no one but himself. I believe that this body builder would ultimately be a happier person, because he could be comfortable in his own skin and know that he is doing what he needs or wants to be doing.

     This being said, it is important to know when to use this self respect. Without getting into detail, as my life is personal in nature (Go figure. It's my personal life), I recently made a "boo boo" with one of my friends. I said something to this person and they took it a totally different way than I meant it. This person has ceased communication with me for an undetermined amount of time and has bid me to wait for them to contact me first, should any communication of any kind occur in the future.

    As one of my best friends, having this person do this to me is a bitter pill to swallow. However, I need to respect myself. I apologized (probably too much), attempted to explain my total and utter ignorance of why I upset them (I know now. Live and learn, right?), and tried as best I could given the circumstances. Now, there is nothing I can do. I am currently given two choices. I could A) Mope around for awhile and be depressed or B) Respect myself, realize that I did my best, realize that it is not the end of the world if this friend does not talk to me (even if it sucks a lot), and keep living my life. Personally, I choose option B. Life is too short to mope about because of some silly spat that I, or perhaps my friend and I, will probably laugh about in the future. Instead of moping, I'll do what I know I love. I will write. I will sing. I will pet my freakishly soft poodle. And, excuse the language, but damn it. I will respect myself.

Forgiveness of the Self

     With all this talk of forgiveness, I seem to have left one incredibly important, in my opinion, aspect of forgiveness out of the equation. This is, as the title of this entry implies, forgiveness of the self. What exactly do I mean by forgiveness of the self? Well, that is indeed what the point of this entry is. To explain some of my thought processes, personal definitions, and other wonky stuff that goes on in my silly twenty-year-old brain. So, without further rambling, here is my definition of "Forgiveness of the Self".
     In my personal experience and observations, people spend a lot of time trying to get others to forgive them for something they have done. I have experienced this personally. I remember a specific point in time where I could almost not bear the thought of my ex-girlfriend not forgiving me for something I had done to her. Looking back on it now, it was a minor and trivial thing, but at the time, it was truly larger than an elephant sitting on my head (not literally of course, but I digress). I tried and tried to get my previous lover to forgive me, but to no avail. I raked my brain, thought of every possible thing I could do, pulled some hair out, even wrote a letter. However, one cannot truly control another person. It just does not work. For all my writing, raking, and hair pulling ,there was nothing I could do to get this person to forgive me. And I was at a loss. I had no idea what to do. However, there was something that I had not even considered at the time, that I now know is a good habit and life skill to have. This is forgiveness of the self.
     Had I known at the time that I could not get my ex-girlfriend to forgive me, I probably would have stopped trying (continued "trying" tends to make another person pull away further) a lot sooner. Instead of continued pushing for my ex's forgiveness, I should have done something a lot simpler, which was to forgive myself. This may cause some confusion, so I will elaborate. What I mean by this is simple; I just needed to give myself a break. I needed to stop looking for ways to get my ex to forgive me, looking for redemption, looking to pick up those broken pieces, just stop. I needed realize that there was nothing I could do, realize that it was not my fault, and truly, truly realize that I could forgive myself and move on. Forgive myself for trying so hard, forgive myself for acting like a wailing baby, forgive myself for tearing my hair out (ouch), and truly, truly give myself a break.
     In the end, one cannot truly control another person, and if that person does not feel in a particularly forgiving mood, there is nothing to be done, truly. Nothing to be done except to forgive yourself. I am not fond of telling people what to do, as it annoys me when people try to command me, but here is a suggestion that tends to work for me. Let the situation hurt you. Feel the pain. It well lessen in time. Here is the key part, the lessening pain is okay. This means that you are healing. Try to forgive yourself, rise out of the ashes, and move forward. Perhaps the future will hold better things for you. Speaking from personal experience, it can and does hold better things for you. However, it still holds some..."not so better" things for you, so to speak. But past lessons learned can be applied. Let it hurt. Forgive yourself. Rise from the ashes. Move forward.

Meaningless Sex and Forgiveness

     Well. This seems to be a hot topic among my age group and...well...people in general. It also seems to be very popular. Yet...I don't understand it. At all. The "it" I refer to in this instance is just, for lack of a better term, is banging everyone. I don't mean this literally, of course. If someone were to play "body part ping-pong" with literally everyone they see, they'd probably die of multiple nasty diseases. What I mean, more specifically, is having intimate relations with someone prematurely. From what I have seen and experienced, doing this causes nothing but hardship, confusion, and sometimes pain. Yes yes, we are all aware that, we're going to say playing ping-pong again, feels good. "It makes my weenie cry," or "I get a thing inside me! Cool!" ...What? If that is why one plays ping-pong I would strongly suggest that this person reevaluate their priorities.
     That being said, I do understand this to some degree. Being a twenty-year-old man with a very active libido, maybe I understand this to an even greater degree. There are times, I do not deny it, that I want to put my "thingie" in almost anything and everything. But then I stop and think. "Wait. What would this actually accomplish?" Usually the answer is simple; it will accomplish almost literally nothing. I'm not going to be a different person after I play ping-pong. I'm not going to get a life-changing experience and suddenly become empowered with explosive sexual energy and cure all of the world's issues. I may (or may not) get my wiener to shoot white stuff. Cool. Time to go eat. I cannot speak for women and do not have any idea what it is like from the other side, but here is a guess. "I just got a thing in me. Cool. Time to go eat."
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See what I mean?
     What is the point of sex without a deep, intimate, mental, emotional relationship to go along with it? I was lucky enough to have my first ping-pong game with a woman that I truly loved, and, at the time, she truly loved me back. It was awesome. After our match of pong, we'd talk about things that interested us and just enjoyed the company. However, when things weren't going so well, it was not so awesome. Our emotions were raw and not ready for the emotional aspect of sex, even though our bodies may have been, therefore it was premature. After the not-so-rousing pong match, it was awkward, horrible, and I ended up having to leave the room. To be totally blunt, I could accomplish almost the same thing as playing premature ping-pong by sticking my wiener in a tub of butter. Cool. However, the tub of butter isn't another person that I could potentially be hurting emotionally and/or physically. I'm not sure that many people actually think about what they are doing before they grab a paddle and jump right into the ping-pong game. This is where forgiveness comes in.
      For me personally, it is hard to forgive people that play premature pong. This includes myself and I actively work against the "Preemy Pong". This lack of forgiveness is a flaw, and I see that. I am trying to work on this flaw, but this being said, and particularly in my age group, forgiveness is becoming increasingly difficult for me. I understand that hormones run rampant with rational thought, and I experience this daily, but I have to believe that hormones do not control the mind. In my experience, they do not. Hormones may make it difficult, even extremely difficult, to form a rational, coherent thought, but in my experience, they do not one-hundred percent control my mind. I am not saying it is remotely easy. It is, in fact, one of the most difficult things I struggle with, once again on a daily basis, and want to eventually conquer.
     I believe that sex should be saved for those you truly, truly love. I do not care about your religious beliefs or sexual orientation, I believe that this applies to everyone who engages in pong matches of any kind (For my definition of love, see my previous blog post. That is a different beast entirely). This could be why sex was originally intended to be for after marriage.
     The bond sex creates is not just physical, but it is emotional as well. Suddenly separating these bonds is painful for both parties, and without the tie of marriage, that bond could be separated for the duration of both of those peoples' lives. Having experienced this personally, I can say with confidence that this is incredibly painful, both emotionally and physically. It may not be "traditional" pain ,such as stepping on a nail, but that does not mean that it hurts any less. To me, causing that pain, or even potentially causing that pain, is unforgivable. But it very well might be. Everyone does not play ping-pong in the same way and most likely does not experience it in the way that I do, these are merely my inner thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I believe and rationally think, because statistics exist, that there are more people out there with a mindset not unlike my own in this instance. I am working on the forgiveness. But for now, I'll continue to keep my mind and body busy with other things.

Humans and Human Actions

     Humans are just weird. Weird, weird, weird. This is indeed a judgment. Why would I think humans are weird as a human being myself? Well, the answer is simple. I too am a human being. And I think I am weird. I cannot speak for the human race, but I believe that this opinion may be shared by some people. I personally think humans are bizarre creatures. We started out as monkey-men that bashed wooly mammoths with rocks to kill them, or so some theories say. Now...well...now we have flying machines made out of rocks that somehow are light enough to fly. I know there are explanations for this and it is merely physics, but if you will indulge me for a second, just allow me to say this, and pardon the french but...flying machines made out of rocks? What the hell.
     If I were a monkey-man that just bashed a mammoth to death with a rock for my dinner and I saw an airplane go by I might have instant diarrhea and pass out due to sheer surprise and shock. I, as that monkey-man, would have literally no idea what that thing was. It is loud, it is flying, it is seemingly lifeless, yet it moves. What the hell. The fact that humans can even think of something like an airplane, let alone actually make it and make it truly work, is ridiculous.
      Once, we were bashing mammoths with rocks. Now, we're flying in airplanes made out of rocks. This is absolutely weird, bizarre, ridiculous, and amazing. And yet here we are, complaining that the plane only served us three bags of peanuts and a ginger ale. Awesome. Consider bashing a wooly mammoth to death with a rock. Those peanuts and ginger ale don't sound so bad now, huh? This is where my usual theme of forgiveness comes in. Is it really forgivable to complain when humans have come so far? Is it really, truly forgivable? In my opinion, the answer is no.
     As a young man with advanced crohn's disease, without all of our new technology and medicine, I would be dead. Literally dead. This may not be the case, but as it is now, I currently need an incredibly potent (and expensive) intravenous drug to prevent my colon being removed entirely. Back before technology or medicine, I probably would have had bloody diarrhea until I died. Now, I can live. I can be happy. I can experience what other humans experience. That is weird. I have a potentially fatal disease, and sometimes, it seems as if I have nothing, just because humans are so advanced now. Weird. Weird and awesome. So, next time you or I think about complaining about your peanuts and ginger ale, consider thinking about what you and I have. As humans, we have a LOT. And I mean a lot. If you do not think so, simply open your eyes. That always works for me. I live in a house that is heated, has readily available food, has a personal petting poodle, and entertainment that is literally beamed from outer space. What? I don't even...perhaps I'll just think about a mammoth. And perhaps about bashing it with a rock. That is easier to comprehend.