Forgiveness of the Self

     With all this talk of forgiveness, I seem to have left one incredibly important, in my opinion, aspect of forgiveness out of the equation. This is, as the title of this entry implies, forgiveness of the self. What exactly do I mean by forgiveness of the self? Well, that is indeed what the point of this entry is. To explain some of my thought processes, personal definitions, and other wonky stuff that goes on in my silly twenty-year-old brain. So, without further rambling, here is my definition of "Forgiveness of the Self".
     In my personal experience and observations, people spend a lot of time trying to get others to forgive them for something they have done. I have experienced this personally. I remember a specific point in time where I could almost not bear the thought of my ex-girlfriend not forgiving me for something I had done to her. Looking back on it now, it was a minor and trivial thing, but at the time, it was truly larger than an elephant sitting on my head (not literally of course, but I digress). I tried and tried to get my previous lover to forgive me, but to no avail. I raked my brain, thought of every possible thing I could do, pulled some hair out, even wrote a letter. However, one cannot truly control another person. It just does not work. For all my writing, raking, and hair pulling ,there was nothing I could do to get this person to forgive me. And I was at a loss. I had no idea what to do. However, there was something that I had not even considered at the time, that I now know is a good habit and life skill to have. This is forgiveness of the self.
     Had I known at the time that I could not get my ex-girlfriend to forgive me, I probably would have stopped trying (continued "trying" tends to make another person pull away further) a lot sooner. Instead of continued pushing for my ex's forgiveness, I should have done something a lot simpler, which was to forgive myself. This may cause some confusion, so I will elaborate. What I mean by this is simple; I just needed to give myself a break. I needed to stop looking for ways to get my ex to forgive me, looking for redemption, looking to pick up those broken pieces, just stop. I needed realize that there was nothing I could do, realize that it was not my fault, and truly, truly realize that I could forgive myself and move on. Forgive myself for trying so hard, forgive myself for acting like a wailing baby, forgive myself for tearing my hair out (ouch), and truly, truly give myself a break.
     In the end, one cannot truly control another person, and if that person does not feel in a particularly forgiving mood, there is nothing to be done, truly. Nothing to be done except to forgive yourself. I am not fond of telling people what to do, as it annoys me when people try to command me, but here is a suggestion that tends to work for me. Let the situation hurt you. Feel the pain. It well lessen in time. Here is the key part, the lessening pain is okay. This means that you are healing. Try to forgive yourself, rise out of the ashes, and move forward. Perhaps the future will hold better things for you. Speaking from personal experience, it can and does hold better things for you. However, it still holds some..."not so better" things for you, so to speak. But past lessons learned can be applied. Let it hurt. Forgive yourself. Rise from the ashes. Move forward.

Meaningless Sex and Forgiveness

     Well. This seems to be a hot topic among my age group and...well...people in general. It also seems to be very popular. Yet...I don't understand it. At all. The "it" I refer to in this instance is just, for lack of a better term, is banging everyone. I don't mean this literally, of course. If someone were to play "body part ping-pong" with literally everyone they see, they'd probably die of multiple nasty diseases. What I mean, more specifically, is having intimate relations with someone prematurely. From what I have seen and experienced, doing this causes nothing but hardship, confusion, and sometimes pain. Yes yes, we are all aware that, we're going to say playing ping-pong again, feels good. "It makes my weenie cry," or "I get a thing inside me! Cool!" ...What? If that is why one plays ping-pong I would strongly suggest that this person reevaluate their priorities.
     That being said, I do understand this to some degree. Being a twenty-year-old man with a very active libido, maybe I understand this to an even greater degree. There are times, I do not deny it, that I want to put my "thingie" in almost anything and everything. But then I stop and think. "Wait. What would this actually accomplish?" Usually the answer is simple; it will accomplish almost literally nothing. I'm not going to be a different person after I play ping-pong. I'm not going to get a life-changing experience and suddenly become empowered with explosive sexual energy and cure all of the world's issues. I may (or may not) get my wiener to shoot white stuff. Cool. Time to go eat. I cannot speak for women and do not have any idea what it is like from the other side, but here is a guess. "I just got a thing in me. Cool. Time to go eat."
...
See what I mean?
     What is the point of sex without a deep, intimate, mental, emotional relationship to go along with it? I was lucky enough to have my first ping-pong game with a woman that I truly loved, and, at the time, she truly loved me back. It was awesome. After our match of pong, we'd talk about things that interested us and just enjoyed the company. However, when things weren't going so well, it was not so awesome. Our emotions were raw and not ready for the emotional aspect of sex, even though our bodies may have been, therefore it was premature. After the not-so-rousing pong match, it was awkward, horrible, and I ended up having to leave the room. To be totally blunt, I could accomplish almost the same thing as playing premature ping-pong by sticking my wiener in a tub of butter. Cool. However, the tub of butter isn't another person that I could potentially be hurting emotionally and/or physically. I'm not sure that many people actually think about what they are doing before they grab a paddle and jump right into the ping-pong game. This is where forgiveness comes in.
      For me personally, it is hard to forgive people that play premature pong. This includes myself and I actively work against the "Preemy Pong". This lack of forgiveness is a flaw, and I see that. I am trying to work on this flaw, but this being said, and particularly in my age group, forgiveness is becoming increasingly difficult for me. I understand that hormones run rampant with rational thought, and I experience this daily, but I have to believe that hormones do not control the mind. In my experience, they do not. Hormones may make it difficult, even extremely difficult, to form a rational, coherent thought, but in my experience, they do not one-hundred percent control my mind. I am not saying it is remotely easy. It is, in fact, one of the most difficult things I struggle with, once again on a daily basis, and want to eventually conquer.
     I believe that sex should be saved for those you truly, truly love. I do not care about your religious beliefs or sexual orientation, I believe that this applies to everyone who engages in pong matches of any kind (For my definition of love, see my previous blog post. That is a different beast entirely). This could be why sex was originally intended to be for after marriage.
     The bond sex creates is not just physical, but it is emotional as well. Suddenly separating these bonds is painful for both parties, and without the tie of marriage, that bond could be separated for the duration of both of those peoples' lives. Having experienced this personally, I can say with confidence that this is incredibly painful, both emotionally and physically. It may not be "traditional" pain ,such as stepping on a nail, but that does not mean that it hurts any less. To me, causing that pain, or even potentially causing that pain, is unforgivable. But it very well might be. Everyone does not play ping-pong in the same way and most likely does not experience it in the way that I do, these are merely my inner thoughts, experiences, and feelings. I believe and rationally think, because statistics exist, that there are more people out there with a mindset not unlike my own in this instance. I am working on the forgiveness. But for now, I'll continue to keep my mind and body busy with other things.

Humans and Human Actions

     Humans are just weird. Weird, weird, weird. This is indeed a judgment. Why would I think humans are weird as a human being myself? Well, the answer is simple. I too am a human being. And I think I am weird. I cannot speak for the human race, but I believe that this opinion may be shared by some people. I personally think humans are bizarre creatures. We started out as monkey-men that bashed wooly mammoths with rocks to kill them, or so some theories say. Now...well...now we have flying machines made out of rocks that somehow are light enough to fly. I know there are explanations for this and it is merely physics, but if you will indulge me for a second, just allow me to say this, and pardon the french but...flying machines made out of rocks? What the hell.
     If I were a monkey-man that just bashed a mammoth to death with a rock for my dinner and I saw an airplane go by I might have instant diarrhea and pass out due to sheer surprise and shock. I, as that monkey-man, would have literally no idea what that thing was. It is loud, it is flying, it is seemingly lifeless, yet it moves. What the hell. The fact that humans can even think of something like an airplane, let alone actually make it and make it truly work, is ridiculous.
      Once, we were bashing mammoths with rocks. Now, we're flying in airplanes made out of rocks. This is absolutely weird, bizarre, ridiculous, and amazing. And yet here we are, complaining that the plane only served us three bags of peanuts and a ginger ale. Awesome. Consider bashing a wooly mammoth to death with a rock. Those peanuts and ginger ale don't sound so bad now, huh? This is where my usual theme of forgiveness comes in. Is it really forgivable to complain when humans have come so far? Is it really, truly forgivable? In my opinion, the answer is no.
     As a young man with advanced crohn's disease, without all of our new technology and medicine, I would be dead. Literally dead. This may not be the case, but as it is now, I currently need an incredibly potent (and expensive) intravenous drug to prevent my colon being removed entirely. Back before technology or medicine, I probably would have had bloody diarrhea until I died. Now, I can live. I can be happy. I can experience what other humans experience. That is weird. I have a potentially fatal disease, and sometimes, it seems as if I have nothing, just because humans are so advanced now. Weird. Weird and awesome. So, next time you or I think about complaining about your peanuts and ginger ale, consider thinking about what you and I have. As humans, we have a LOT. And I mean a lot. If you do not think so, simply open your eyes. That always works for me. I live in a house that is heated, has readily available food, has a personal petting poodle, and entertainment that is literally beamed from outer space. What? I don't even...perhaps I'll just think about a mammoth. And perhaps about bashing it with a rock. That is easier to comprehend.

Love and Forgiveness

 

Image found  http://www.relationship-adviceblog.com/love/

   Love. Love is such a silly word. What does it even mean? What does the word "Love" truly, truly mean? That is where it gets interesting. The word "Love" can mean totally different things to totally different people. To one, Love may mean hanging out with someone of the opposite sex. To another, Love may mean sticking certain bodily parts into other certain bodily parts. To yet another, Love could be a universal concept that is applied to almost anything and everything in life. Love has a broad definition. Within that broad definition is my definition of the elusive true meaning of "Love". I believe that love is universal. I believe that one can love anyone or anything, use love as a verb, noun, adjective, screwdriver, you name it. Okay, not screwdriver, as that is literally a tool, but I digress. To me, to love something is to want to see it flourish and succeed, to be truly happy and to feel those feelings in oneself, regardless of whether the person doing the loving benefits or not. An example of the natural world comes to mind.
   

Image found en.wikipedia.org

Consider thinking of a bald eagle raising her chicks. The mother eagle does everything in her power to get food for her babies, sometimes flying literally miles to find food without eating for herself. She does this because of instinct to nurture and to see her babies fly, but I also believe she does it out of love. It is silly to imagine that a bird can love like a human can, and perhaps they cannot, but I choose to believe so. People have believed sillier things and still accept them to this day. For examples...well...look at every religion. This is not a religious discussion, so I will not get into that, but I believe that this is a valid example. Back to love.
     Much like the mother eagle, I want to see who or what I love "spread their wings and fly". This obviously does not apply if I say something such as "Oh my gosh. I love this toaster." The toaster is a toaster. It cannot succeed (except to make toast and other things. Mmmm. Toast and other things) or spread its wings and fly. In this sense I speak of other living things. I, for example, love my poodle, Sophie. I fret about her health when I am in school, brush her fluffy coat, and feed her (probably a little too much). This is forgivable to me. I am supposed to love my dog. But what about another human being? This is where it gets difficult for me. Should I love someone that does not really desire love (from my observations, at least), has limited sexual desire, and may not even be able to have children?
      I want to see this person spread their wings and soar, regardless of what happens to me, because I love them. And I do not know why. A duty of the human race is to love and to reproduce. If a potential mate cannot reproduce, should one really love that person? Is this forgivable? I don't know any of these answers. What I do know is this; I feel love. I don't know why, I don't know how, but it is there. It is there as clear as the sun in the sky. Well, when the sun is in the sky and readily visible, but I digress. In my opinion, to quote a popular song, "Love Stinks!" ...Well, sometimes.

Self-Justification

 

"For Great Justice!" by TIM on March 18, 2013  

 Self-justification. What is it? Why do humans do it? Well, as seen in my previous reflective blogs, I, once again, have no answer. By self-justification I mean when a person justifies their actions for something, whatever that "something" may be. This could be something such as "Oh, I've eaten celery today, I can eat this cake and be fine," or "Meh. Who cares? I'm going to get fat anyway." I see this style of self-justification in so many people, including myself. But WHY do people do it? Well, maybe it has to do with justice and forgiveness in someway. Because people justify things to themselves, maybe these people do not see what they are doing as wrong, if it is indeed wrong.
     The concept of "wrong" can be argued, but there are indeed morally wrong things people can agree on, such as murdering another person in cold blood. In the case mentioned above, an inner dialogue of someone eating cake was mentioned. Obviously, this is not cold blooded murder. The scary thing, however, is that a person could potentially justify cold blooded murder with the same thought process. "Oh, this person does not deserve to live. They need to die." ...That is terrifying. If this self-justification exists, then what is true justice? What is truly, truly justice? Justice and justification are different, but are they really? Or is it in the eye of the beholder? Once again, I have no answers. Only speculations and silly analogies about cake and celery. Maybe one day I or someone else will have the answers...but for now, I'm going to go eat some cake.

Forgiveness and a Dropped Relationship

     How does one forgive another when one drops a long-term romantic relationship as if it were less than nothing? Truly, truly dropped it, as if it were truly less than nothing. The phrase "Less than nothing" is obviously not possible, because it is not possible to have less than nothing. That phrase was merely used to describe the severity of the dropping of relationship described above. How can one justify even doing that after twelve years of being committed to one person? It literally makes no sense to me. I do not use the word "literally" lightly. It truly, one-hundred percent, literally makes no sense to me. Perhaps it is the way my brain is wired, perhaps it is my environment or the way I was raised, but just dropping a relationship, nay, another person like that, is incomprehensible to me.
     As a man that holds on to anyone that I meet that I see as a good person, sometimes to my own detriment, dropping someone else just seems unforgivable and unjustifiable in any way. It just does not make sense. I have tried to drop people from my life in the past, even the ones I loved most. It did not work. After awhile I became less and less happy and I missed these people greatly. Eventually I made up with a few of them, and four years later, we are still best friends and talking almost every day, even though one of them lives in Florida and I in Ohio. This is why I cannot comprehend dropping someone, truly, truly dropping someone. Especially someone that this person has been with for so long. Do those twelve years mean nothing? Was it a waste of time? How can this person be forgiven, honestly, how can they be forgiven? That is the question. And I have no answer.

Forgiveness and the Chronic Illness

     For my writing composition class in college I am supposed to write blogs about our theme, which is "Forgiveness and Justice". This theme, particularly forgiveness, is very active in my life right now. I was diagnosed with crohn's disease at age eleven. I am now twenty. What does this have to do with forgiveness, one might ask? As a young man who has always believe in some kind of greater power, God, aliens, hell, even flying unicorns with magic rainbows, I believe it is all possible, even the less believable stuff. There are things in this world that humans cannot and maybe will not ever be able to explain. That being said, I believe that there is a greater power of some kind. But I digress.
     If that greater power does indeed exist, why would he/she/it curse someone, anyone, with an illness, affliction, or malady? It is totally beyond me. Is it a test of the afflicted person's endurance, courage, or strength? Is it a combination of all three? Hell if I know. All I know is that it is getting hard to forgive that "greater power", should it happen to exist, for giving me crohn's. It is a part of me and I live with it daily, and I do love myself, but there are times when it just becomes almost unbearable. It's like trying to magically turn a grizzly bear into a bear. Unbearable. Get it? It's already a bear? ...No? Eh.